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Archive for December, 2011

Feeling Grinch-y

Well, here we are – three days before Christmas – and I am not at all in the Christmas spirit. I guess “grinch-y” is the wrong word for it, because the Grinch wanted to ruin Christmas for the Who’s and I have no desire to ruin anybody’s Christmas. But I’m in absolutely no mood to celebrate it either. I guess I’m feeling more “Scrooge-y”. In fact, that’s exactly how I feel. Bah humbug to it all.

One of the reasons for my lack of festivity is that I’m waiting on the results of my CDRE (national dietitian’s entry-to-practice exam). I wrote the exam back in November, and found it terrible. I’m not the type of person who gets all melodramatic about exams either. When I find something bad, it’s usually a pretty good indicator that I did poorly on it. And this was one of the worst exams I have ever written. The results usually arrive a week or so before Christmas, and have not yet arrived. With tomorrow being Friday, December 23rd, they’re either going to arrive right in time to ruin my Christmas (because I’m honestly expecting to have failed it). Or they’re not going to arrive at all before Christmas, which will make me antsy and anxious. Either way, at this point, it’s not going to be pretty. Unless, by some enormous Christmas miracle, I passed.

For anyone who isn’t familiar with the exam – it’s written only twice a year and costs a fortune to write. Here in NL, you have to pay the regulatory body’s $250 registration fee (which is increasing in the new year to double that amount) and the $400 exam registration fee. So it’s damn expensive. And if you fail, you have to pay to re-write and pass before you can practice.

The other cause of my Scrooginess is the miscarriage. I would have been eleven weeks on Christmas Eve. It was when we were planning to tell our families about the pregnancy. Now there is no pregnancy. So instead of announcing our wonderful news to the world, we’ll be fielding questions from nosy extended family members about when we plan to have children. Because, of course, what else would anyone want to talk to us about?! It will be the first time we’ve seen a lot of the extended family since the wedding, so there’s no doubt in my mind that this will be the first thing we get asked at every house we visit. Which will result in one of two things – either I will get uncontrollably upset and bawl my eyes out at the first house we visit, or I’ll bottle it all up inside and have a terrible holiday from carrying around all that sadness. Unpleasant either way.

So, yeeeeah.

I’m trying not to be too unpleasant for my husband’s sake. He’s been so incredibly amazing throughout the whole pregnancy/miscarriage drama. And he absolutely adores Christmas. It’s without a doubt his favorite time of year. So I don’t want to ruin it for him. But I’m really having a hard time being very merry.

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Whenever something unpleasant or tragic happens, there’s always that one thing that people say to try to make you feel better which only truly serves to make you feel even worse. When my mom died, it was “It’s God’s plan”. With the miscarriage, it’s “You’re only young”.

“You’re only young.”

Somehow my age is supposed to be adequate consolation for the loss of a child. Because, in spite of not having given birth and having a child to hold in your arms, a miscarriage is just that – the loss of a child. I understand the sentiment behind it – a reminder that I have plenty of healthy eggs and potential child-bearing years left, so this loss doesn’t mean motherhood won’t happen for me. But it doesn’t help. It just really doesn’t. And it infuriates me that reminding me that I’m young is supposed to negate my sense of loss.

I’m trying very hard not to be bitter. Really I am. It’s just not working all that well for me.

I see people all around me who don’t want children nearly as badly as I do, or who wouldn’t be able to provide nearly as good as life as myself and my husband could provide for a child. And these people just have to look at one another and get knocked up. They can eat poorly, not take prenatal vitamins, smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol – they still have healthy pregnancies. It just seems so unfair. I don’t want to resent those people around me who are getting pregnant and having babies. But I do. At least some of them. And I hate that I feel that way.

😦

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Yesterday was one of the saddest days of my life.

We found out that I’m miscarrying. A couple of days ago, I had some light spotting. I went to the ER, and they referred me to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic. At the clinic yesterday we found out that my hormone levels had barely raised from my bloodwork three weeks prior. Two ultrasounds – one abdominal and one transvaginal – confirmed our worst fears. The pregnancy wasn’t viable, and my body was in the early stages of a miscarriage.

I still can’t really believe it…

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