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Archive for the ‘Getting Pregnant’ Category

Whenever something unpleasant or tragic happens, there’s always that one thing that people say to try to make you feel better which only truly serves to make you feel even worse. When my mom died, it was “It’s God’s plan”. With the miscarriage, it’s “You’re only young”.

“You’re only young.”

Somehow my age is supposed to be adequate consolation for the loss of a child. Because, in spite of not having given birth and having a child to hold in your arms, a miscarriage is just that – the loss of a child. I understand the sentiment behind it – a reminder that I have plenty of healthy eggs and potential child-bearing years left, so this loss doesn’t mean motherhood won’t happen for me. But it doesn’t help. It just really doesn’t. And it infuriates me that reminding me that I’m young is supposed to negate my sense of loss.

I’m trying very hard not to be bitter. Really I am. It’s just not working all that well for me.

I see people all around me who don’t want children nearly as badly as I do, or who wouldn’t be able to provide nearly as good as life as myself and my husband could provide for a child. And these people just have to look at one another and get knocked up. They can eat poorly, not take prenatal vitamins, smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol – they still have healthy pregnancies. It just seems so unfair. I don’t want to resent those people around me who are getting pregnant and having babies. But I do. At least some of them. And I hate that I feel that way.

😦

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We’re gonna have a baby!! 😀

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I lost my mom three years ago.

She was diagnosed with stomach cancer during my final year of university, while I was away in another province. She did chemotherapy, but it only prolonged the inevitable. She got to see me graduate from university – the first in my family to accomplish such a feat – which was something she really wanted. But it meant that I spent five of her last eight months away from her. I don’t regret it – she was so proud of me, and I was able to give her something that was incredibly important to her. But I sometimes wish I could have spent more time with her when she was sick.

Especially on nights like tonight – when I’m missing her so much I ache.

I’ve been watching One Tree Hill lately, and tonight I came across the episode where Peyton’s birth mother dies of cancer. It just brings back so many emotions and makes me miss my mom.

So, anyway, I’m just laying here alone – missing my mom. So much it hurts.

I wonder how she’d feel if she knew we were trying to get pregnant. Not that anyone really knows. But I still wonder how she’d feel. And how she’d react when we finally do get pregnant and announce it. She was absolutely amazing with kids. She’s where I got my adoration for them. And she would have made such a perfect grandmother. As much as it kills me that she wasn’t around for my wedding, it’s even worse knowing that she won’t be around to see my child(ren) – that she won’t get to put her hand on my belly and feel her grandbaby kicking or give me advice through pregnancy or be there with me when I have to go through labor or get to hold that precious little newborn. And that she won’t be there to help me through the first few months – to give me advice and come visit.

It tears me up inside.

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I belong to this online community that’s mostly frequented by young women in their 20’s and 30’s. One of the topics that’s often discussed there is pregnancy. There are quite a few women there who are trying to get pregnant and they post about their status. Something I’ve noticed is that it’s so easy to become obsessed with taking pregnancy tests. I mean, there are some women who test compulsively every day from five days before their expected period until they either get a positive or start their period for the month. I’ve always thought these women were crazy. I mean, think logically – you know when your period is expected and you know that the most accurate results are obtained when you wait until after you’re late to test. So wait. It’s really not that easy. I’m at least 2-3 days away from my expected start date (could be longer, because it’s my first month off the pill) and I’m itching to test! I wake up every morning and wonder “Hmmm. If I tested today would I get an accurate result?” I refuse to let myself test until I’m actually late, but I am starting to see why some women find it hard to wait. Especially if they’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while. Playing the waiting game is enough to make you crazy. Haha.

I’m occupying myself by having en ER marathon. Currently about halfway through season eleven.

Absolutely LOVE that show! I started watching it a few years ago, and watched it almost to the end of the series but my interest slowly dwindled. So I’m determined to watch it through to the end of the series this time.

 

In other news, it’s a little after noon on Friday and I still haven’t heard anything on those jobs. Ugh.

Annnd… the weather here is officially turned cold. We had a fairly mild September compared to what we usually have, and it turned cold really quickly. Today it’s 5 degrees Celsius (41 F for those of you south of the border). Tonight it’s supposed to go down to just one degree (33.8 F)! Brrrrrr! Finally had to give in and turn the heat on! So I’m enjoying my ER marathon curled up in my coziest sweats and a warm blanket with the world’s cutest dog – my little girl, Molly.

That’s one of my absolute favorite pictures of her. It was taken a couple of months ago, just a few days after she had her fur cut. Pretty adorable, right?

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I know it’s highly unlikely that we got pregnant on our first shot. It’s also less likely that I’m experiencing morning sickness about 8 or 9 days before my expected period. But I’ve spent the last two days as nauseous as hell. I haven’t actually vomited, but I’ve been absolutely miserable. I mean, can’t get out of bed miserable. Of course I want it to be morning sickness. How awesome would it be to get pregnant on the first try?! And who really wants the stomach flu? But it could just be a stomach bug. Or my body adjusting to the new varying hormone levels that accompany no longer being on the pill. Or it could be my mind playing tricks on my body and making me think I’m experiencing symptoms that wouldn’t otherwise be there. It’s anybody’s guess at this point.

My husband is so oblivious to what’s happening with my body that it’s hilarious. Here’s an excerpt from  one of our conversations yesterday:

Me: Ohhhh Goddddd… I hope this is the damn stomach flu. I’ll die if I have to do this for ten or twelve more weeks.

Him: Ten or twelve weeks!? Are you incubating the PLAGUE?! What kind of stomach bug lasts for two or three MONTHS!?

Ohhh men. Can’t live with ’em, can’t get knocked up without ’em. 😉

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I guess this is my main reason for starting a blog. I have babies on the brain in a major way. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. I grew up in a household where there were always children around. I’m the type of person who ooh’s and aaah’s at random babies because I think they’re just that cute. I see everyone around me having babies and I think to myself “Why don’t I have a baby yet?” or “When’s it going to be my turn?”

I’m not stupid or irresponsible – I’ve always known I would wait until I was married to a man who was not only an amazing partner but would make an amazing father, and that we’d be financially able to provide our child(ren) with a better life than I had growing up. Don’t get me wrong – my parents did their best. We always had a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food on the table. But I knew from a very young age that my parents sacrificed a lot to give us those things. I knew that my mom scrimped and saved and stretched every dollar. We always had the basics, and we had happy Christmases/birthdays/etc. But we could never afford things like music lessons or ballet classes or organized sports or summer camp. Those were luxuries I didn’t have growing up, and I always swore that my children would at least be able to have the opportunity to experience those things if they wanted. So I knew I wouldn’t rush into having children before the time was right.

Six years ago, I started dating that amazing man. We got married on August 27th of this year. On our honeymoon, we decided that when we got home we’d throw caution to the wind and let nature take its course. This is officially our first month of not preventing pregnancy. We’ve decided not to say we’re “trying” because that puts a lot of pressure on it. We’re not going to track temperatures or use test strips to see if/when I’m ovulating. We’re going to go on about our sex life as normal and see what happens.

We’ve also decided to keep this to ourselves for the time being. Hence the blog. I have one friend that I trust enough to share this with. But other than her, nobody knows we’ve stopped preventing. So our journey to parenthood may be one of the recurring topics discussed here.

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