Archive for the ‘Pregnancy’ Category

My husband told me on Mother’s Day that he’s been considering when we’d start trying for baby #2 (providing that I want to try for another at all). And that, if we do decide to have another child, he’d be ready to start trying as early as this upcoming fall.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

There’s a huge part of me that would love to give Alexander a sibling. He’s such a sweet and affectionate little boy that I’m sure he’d be a amazing big brother. At play group, he’s forever bringing me abandoned baby dolls that have been forgotten in strollers – I’m assuming he doesn’t want them left alone, because he doesn’t want to play with them, he just wants me to hold them. And he’s always sure to fix their hats and give them a kiss before handing them off to me. He also loves to help with the dog – feed her, give her a treat when she does something good, and smooth her down saying “good girl, sissy”. So there’s no doubt in my mind that he’d be a wonderful big brother. And incredibly helpful.

Plus there’s the newborn cuddles with that new baby smell. And that feeling of constantly being needed, which is becoming less and less as my big boy becomes more independent. 😦

And all the firsts. First time holding that precious little being. First time seeing my husband hold him, and falling absolutely in love with them both a million times over. First smile. And laugh. And the first time he said “mama”. And those first wobbly baby steps. So many firsts that can never be had again. But I could experience them all over again watching a new person develop and learn and grow. And I’m sure the second firsts would be just as precious and amazing.

But then there’s the 8 months of round-the-clock sickness I endured when I was pregnant with Alexander. I’d be such a crappy mom to him if I had to go through that again.

And labour / delivery / recovery scare me. Not because I had it bad last time. But because I had it so good. From “here’s your IV” to “here’s your baby” was less than seven and a half hours. I wasn’t ridiculously uncomfortable for weeks leading up to going into labour. My water broke, I spent a couple of nights at the hospital, I had a (relatively) uneventful labouring experience with minimal tearing, and was able to get up around by myself the next day. I didn’t have to take anything more than Tylenol for my postpartum pain. I’m pretty sure I fluked into something lucky there. Maybe my body’s apology for eight months of pregnant vomiting? Either way, I hate to think about how differently it could go if I decide to do it again.

Plus we’re not in the financial place I imagined us being to have another child. I’m still not working in my chosen field. I’m working part time in a minimum wage retail job. There are times when I feel like we’re barely keeping our heads above water. (I know that isn’t true – we live a lot more luxuriously than many people our age, and our son already has a nice little college fund started. But some days it feels that way.) I want to be able to provide our child(ren) with many of the opportunities I couldn’t have growing up – to be part of any kind of team or take any lesson, to go on family vacations, to have money set aside for post-secondary and hopefully not have to get a student loan. I didn’t have those things. I saw my parents struggle. I knew, even from an early age, that my mom sacrificed and went without so that we could always have the basics to be “normal”. I don’t ever want my child(ren) to feel they way. Don’t get me wrong – we were always provided for, and there was no shortage of love, but don’t most parents wish to give their kids more?

And… and this is huge for me, because I’ve never written or said what I’m about to say… I’m pretty certain that I suffered from some degree of PPD/PPA during Alexander’s first year. It wasn’t terrible. I never dreamed of hurting him or myself. I never wished I hadn’t had him. But there were certainly days when I questioned if I should be a mother. And days when I resented his neediness (and my husband’s general inability to help) with every ounce of my being. And I certainly didn’t really enjoy much of his first year. Looking back on it, the signs were there. I was just too afraid to admit it. And I’m sure my husband probably saw it too. But feared for his life and/or his testicles if he ever imagined bringing it up to me. And that scares me. If I do decide to have a second child, I want to enjoy the newborn phase. I don’t want to become an irritable, cranky version of myself that even I can’t stand to be around. But I worry that, if I were to find myself in a similar situation again, I’d be too deep inside it to realize what was going on until I was looking back on it later. That terrifies me.

So, I’m torn.

My husband is an amazing man – he has already acknowledged that the decision is ultimately mine. It’s my body that has to carry and deliver any additional members of our family. And he’d never pressure me to do anything I don’t want to. But the problem is, I have no idea what it is that I want to do.

Honestly, part of me would be perfectly happy for it to just be the three of us forever. We’ve got a pretty good thing going. But there’s part of me that wonders if I’ll regret the decision to not have another if that’s the decision I make. Some day, when it’s too late, will I look back and wish I had decided to have my second baby?

How do you know?


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Well it has been quite a while since I last made a blog entry, and A LOT has happened since then!

Baby Alexander is HERE!

On Wednesday, September 26th, I had an ultrasound to check on Alexander and see how big he was getting. The tech told us he was already 6 pounds 10 ounces! And I was only a little over 34 weeks at that point! She estimated that he would be about nine pounds when he was born. Two days later, on September 28th, I had a checkup with my OB. She said that Alexander’s head was already engaged and she wasn’t expecting me to go quite to term. I was pleased with that. I certainly didn’t want to go overdue. I was already getting a little uncomfortable, my feet were starting to swell, my heartburn was terrible, and my nausea was back full force. Having the baby a little early seemed like a blessing.

Anyway… I left my OB appointment and went straight to work, where I handed in my letter giving two weeks notice. I worked an extra long shift that day because someone had called in sick, and everyone was joking about work driving me into labour. I got off from work at 10:30 that night and went home.

At 3:30 in the morning, I woke to a gush of fluid. I jumped out of bed (and immediately pulled the sheets off because we had just gotten a new mattress! Priorities! Haha!) and ran into our ensuite. Yup, my water had definitely broken. At 35 weeks! I called my hubby because he was working a night shift, and told him my water had broken and I was going to drive myself to the hospital. He wasn’t too thrilled about that idea. But I wasn’t having any contractions, so I convinced him that it was fine. I drove in and met up with hubby, the we went to labour and delivery. It was confirmed that my water had, in fact, broken and I was admitted to the OB floor. I was dilated 2 cm but wasn’t having any contractions. The OB resident told me that if I didn’t go into labour naturally, I would be induced later that day.

All day Saturday came and went. I had some contractions Saturday night that seemed promising (6 minutes apart and lasting about a minute) but they tapered off into nothing. I was started on antibiotics because it was 24+ hours from when my water had broken and I still hadn’t delivered. There was still no word on when I would be induced. Meanwhile, hubby had missed out in his own diaper party that was being thrown for him Saturday night.

Sunday at noon I was finally induced. I will spare my blog readers the gory details. But I was only 3 cm when I was induced, only 4 cm hours later when I was in excruciating pain and got the epidural, and jumped right to 9.5 cm in about half an hour! I had one scary moment when they couldn’t find Alexander’s heart beat, but they quickly got it back and everything was good. I pushed for over an hour completely inefficiently because they still had my epidural on. After they turned it off, it was only one more hour until Alexander made his arrival into the world! Born September 30th at 7:52 pm, weighing 6 pounds 11 ounces, and 49 cm long. He cried as soon as he came out, and it was the most beautiful and relieving sound I have ever heard. I cried. Hubby cut the cord and cried. Alexander had to be taken away right away to be assessed by the neonatal team since I was only 35 weeks. But he was PERFECT. There was nothing wrong with him, and he was immediately brought back.

The last 20 days have been a whirlwind.

Alexander is amazing. We are completely in love. But he doesn’t like to sleep at night (or much during the day, for that matter), so we’re pretty tired. Before we left the hospital, his weight was down to 6 lbs 5 oz, but has since rebounded. The last time we went to breastfeeding clinic on Tuesday, he was 6 lbs 12 oz and is steadily gaining. πŸ™‚ At the doctor yesterday, he weighed in at seven pounds even. But that’s a different scale and he had his diaper on. So we’ll see how much he really weighs on Tuesday. He’s slowly learning how to breastfeed, and is doing well with it for a preemie. We’re so proud of how well he’s doing for a baby born so early. πŸ™‚

I’m feeling well. I’ve actually had a pretty easy post-partum recovery compared to some stories I’ve heard. I guess it’s my body’s way of apologize for how sick I was during pregnancy. Haha. I am embracing motherhood and completely in love with my son. He makes the entire terrible pregnancy worthwhile. And, even though I’m tired and still a little sore, I wouldn’t change a thing. He’s amazing and I couldn’t imagine being any happier than he’s made me. πŸ™‚

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Presents galore!

This past week, my mother-in-law threw me the first of two showers I’ll be having to celebrate our upcoming little bundle. (The second, being thrown by my sister, is a week from today.) It’s truly overwhelming how many people want to share in our happiness and celebrate Alexander’s upcoming arrival. We received so many presents and cards – even from people who didn’t come to the shower. We’ve pretty much got enough clothes and onesies to last until he’s six months old, and a few other bigger clothes as well. He now also has a playmat and an Exersaucer, and every imaginable hygiene/bath product. In addition to the big gifts we had already received (stroller, infant carrier, crib, change table) and the things we had purchased ourselves, there’s very little left that we need. And we received more than enough money and gift cards to purchase those things. I can’t even think of how much stuff we’ll have after another shower!

Some family members have also started Christmas shopping for Alexander. Which I actually think is a little ridiculous. He’s not even going to be two months old at Christmas. And, with the amount of stuff he has received for shower gifts, I can’t think of anything he will possibly need at Christmas. It’s crazy to think that people are shopping for him already!

Anyway, enough about that… here’s a little pregnancy update…

How Far Along: 34 weeks & 2 days

How Big Is Baby: according to β€˜The Bump’ he’s about 17.2-18.7 inches long, and weighs 4.2-5.8 pounds already!

Total Weight Gain: I’m up 24 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Stretch Marks: Starting to develop a few on my sides. But they’re not very big yet, thankfully.

Maternity Clothes: Still able to wear all the stuff I bought before, but a few of the shirts are getting tight. When I’m not at work, I mostly wear sweatpants or dresses/leggings.

Sleep: I’m pretty exhausted, and could easily sleep 12 hours a day. But realistically sleep significantly less. We got a new mattress yesterday, though, and slept so much better last night!

Best Moment(s) of the Week: my shower!

Craving(s): bacon & eggs, chips & dip.

Food Aversion: nothing really.

Symptoms: heartburn, nausea, aching hips when I’m sleeping, and my feet have started to swell slightly.

Movements: he’s a very active little guy. πŸ™‚

What Do I Miss: still missing my runny eggs! Strawberry daiquiris. Being able to bake and eat the raw dough / batter.

Belly Button In or Out: still in, but getting more shallow.

Wedding Ring On or Off: On. Except at night.

Gender: still a boy.

Looking Forward To: my next shower, my ultrasound on the 26th, and finishing work on the 11th.

Next Appointment: ultrasound on the 26th and OB checkup on the 28th.

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Meet the OB

Up until this point in my pregnancy, I’ve just been seeing my family doctor. Generally, unless you’re high risk or have already been regularly seeing an obstetrician for some reason, that’s how pregnancies are handled. You see your family doctor until the end of your second trimester, then you switch over to the care of an OB for the remainder.

For someone who HATES going to doctors, meeting a new one and entrusting yourself into their care for several months is a very unnerving experience. So it was with great trepidation that I headed off to my first OB appointment yesterday morning.

My first impression upon just seeing her from the waiting room was that she was grumpy and scary and it wasn’t going to be good. She wasn’t smiling. She didn’t seem friendly at all. I was expecting the worst.

Buuuut I was wrong. πŸ™‚


She actually turned out to be really awesome. I think I’m really going to like being in her care for the rest of my pregnancy! She was super friendly. And I didn’t feel like she was rushing through the appointment. She took the time to ask how I was feeling and whether I had any questions or concerns. She didn’t just shrug off my complaint about heartburn. (I had been telling my family doctor for over a month that my heartburn was becoming unbearable and that I have been waking up in the middle of the night coughing on stomach acid that’s up in my throat. But he always just told me to keep taking Tums, even though that clearly wasn’t working.) The moment I voiced my concern to the OB, she offered two suggestions for other medications I could try. She also told me things like my blood pressure, how big my belly was measuring, and what the baby’s heart rate was. Usually with my family doctor, I had to ask for those details. Otherwise, he’d just say that everything was good. So, overall, it was a great experience. I think I’m really going to like being under her care, and that’s one less thing to worry about as I get closer to delivery!

Just a little over nine weeks left! πŸ˜€

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29 weeks! :)

How Far Along: 29 weeks today! Only 11 weeks left! :O

How Big Is Baby: according to ‘The Bump’ he’s about 15.2-16.7 inches long and weighs about 2.5-3.8 pounds!

Total Weight Gain: haven’t been weighed in almost a month. Was up 8 more pounds at that appointment.

Stretch Marks: Nothing yet thankfully.

Maternity Clothes: Still able to wear all the stuff I bought before, but a few of the shirts are getting tight. When I’m not at work, I mostly wear sweatpants or dresses/leggings.

Sleep: my sleepiness has returned with a vengeance. Hello, third trimester!

Best Moment(s) of the Week: this week really hasn’t been a good one. 😦 I failed my first gestational diabetes test, and had to go back for the second one. The second test involves fasting overnight, getting bloodwork drawn, drinking the icky orange glucose drink, and going back for more bloodwork at one, two and three hours later while still fasting! Not fun. Bu I guess if I had to pick a best moment, it would be shopping for baby things with my hubby. He found a onesie that says “I *heart* Daddy” and got really excited about it, because he hasn’t been able to find much “daddy” stuff. I love seeing him get excited about our little man. πŸ™‚ I also started making a pregnancy scrapbook this week, and really like how it’s turning out!

Craving(s): nothing really. My nausea is back, so I’ve been keeping it bland again.

Food Aversion: greasy stuff.

Symptoms: nausea is back full force. Heartburn. And super sleepy.

Movements: lots! And I love every second. Hubby has been able to feel him a lot more, and my sister, dad, and mother-in-law have all managed to catch a kick too!

What Do I Miss: still missing my runny eggs! Strawberry daiquiris. Being able to bake and eat the raw dough / batter.

Belly Button In or Out: still in, but getting more shallow.

Wedding Ring On or Off: On. Except at night.

Gender: still a boy. πŸ˜‰

Looking Forward To: November!

Next Appointment: Thursday is my last one with the family doc, then starting to see the OB next Tuesday.

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Today was a very exciting day!

First, I am now 27 weeks pregnant! Which means that I am officially in my third trimester! Different sources claim that the third trimester starts anywhere from 26 to 28 weeks, so 27 weeks seems like the perfect compromise! 27 weeks is also the point where, if the baby was born, he would have a good chance of surviving without any permanent deficits. So it is indeed a happy time!

The second exciting thing that happened today was my 3D ultrasound! I may be a little biased, but I think we have an adorable little man growing in there. πŸ™‚



We didn’t get a whole lot of great pics of him because he just wouldn’t stop moving. I mean, he was wiggling around SO much! We got quite the amazing show! He had his little hands and feet up by his face, and was sucking on his fingers and toes! At one point he was even putting the umbilical cord in his mouth! We got to see a couple of little yawns too.

We also got our confirmation that he is most definitely a boy! As soon as the tech put the ultrasound wand on my belly, she got a perfect glimpse of him with both legs up over his head and his little boy parts on full display!

And, with that confirmation, we rushed home to finish decorating the nursery! No need to return all the little man things we’ve purchased! Nursery pics to follow! πŸ™‚

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Today is a bittersweet day for me.

While I was at work, my husband spent the day finishing the flooring and baseboards in our nursery and putting together all our nursery furniture. I had such a beautiful sight awaiting me when I arrived home this evening.



We haven’t put the bedding or decor in there yet, because we’re waiting until after our 3D ultrasound on Friday to confirm that we are, in fact, expecting a little boy before we open any of our boy-themed purchases.

However, today also marks the fourth anniversary of my mother’s death. So sitting in the glider in our newly finished nursery brought on a lot of emotions. It would have been an emotional time anyway – seeing our son’s nursery completed for the first time. But sitting there in that nursery, thinking about how my mom won’t be there for his birth or to see him grow up, was just so overwhelming.

I cried… and cried… and cried.

I’ve had a few breakdowns throughout the duration of the pregnancy when thinking about my mom. But nothing compared to how today felt. Having the nursery completed on the anniversary of her death was more emotion than I was prepared to handle. It has made me think a lot about how I’m going to feel as my due date draws near – I’m due the day after her birthday. November is going to be a very emotional month. 😦

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