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Posts Tagged ‘cancer’

Today is a bittersweet day for me.

While I was at work, my husband spent the day finishing the flooring and baseboards in our nursery and putting together all our nursery furniture. I had such a beautiful sight awaiting me when I arrived home this evening.

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We haven’t put the bedding or decor in there yet, because we’re waiting until after our 3D ultrasound on Friday to confirm that we are, in fact, expecting a little boy before we open any of our boy-themed purchases.

However, today also marks the fourth anniversary of my mother’s death. So sitting in the glider in our newly finished nursery brought on a lot of emotions. It would have been an emotional time anyway – seeing our son’s nursery completed for the first time. But sitting there in that nursery, thinking about how my mom won’t be there for his birth or to see him grow up, was just so overwhelming.

I cried… and cried… and cried.

I’ve had a few breakdowns throughout the duration of the pregnancy when thinking about my mom. But nothing compared to how today felt. Having the nursery completed on the anniversary of her death was more emotion than I was prepared to handle. It has made me think a lot about how I’m going to feel as my due date draws near – I’m due the day after her birthday. November is going to be a very emotional month. 😦

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I lost my mom three years ago.

She was diagnosed with stomach cancer during my final year of university, while I was away in another province. She did chemotherapy, but it only prolonged the inevitable. She got to see me graduate from university – the first in my family to accomplish such a feat – which was something she really wanted. But it meant that I spent five of her last eight months away from her. I don’t regret it – she was so proud of me, and I was able to give her something that was incredibly important to her. But I sometimes wish I could have spent more time with her when she was sick.

Especially on nights like tonight – when I’m missing her so much I ache.

I’ve been watching One Tree Hill lately, and tonight I came across the episode where Peyton’s birth mother dies of cancer. It just brings back so many emotions and makes me miss my mom.

So, anyway, I’m just laying here alone – missing my mom. So much it hurts.

I wonder how she’d feel if she knew we were trying to get pregnant. Not that anyone really knows. But I still wonder how she’d feel. And how she’d react when we finally do get pregnant and announce it. She was absolutely amazing with kids. She’s where I got my adoration for them. And she would have made such a perfect grandmother. As much as it kills me that she wasn’t around for my wedding, it’s even worse knowing that she won’t be around to see my child(ren) – that she won’t get to put her hand on my belly and feel her grandbaby kicking or give me advice through pregnancy or be there with me when I have to go through labor or get to hold that precious little newborn. And that she won’t be there to help me through the first few months – to give me advice and come visit.

It tears me up inside.

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