Posts Tagged ‘miscarriage’

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.

Every year, as summer approaches, I get into a little funk thinking about how another year has passed and I’m still not working in my chosen field. But this year, I have my son to remind me that sometimes the things that we consider to be unlucky or unfair in our lives actually turn out to be blessings.

If I had been working in a full time dietitian job (or even a part time one), I would have had to go back to work when my year of maternity leave was over, into a position that couldn’t be worked around my husband’s schedule. Instead, I give my manager a schedule of my husband’s days off and she schedules me to work on the days he’s at home. So he hasn’t had to go in daycare or be sent to a babysitter. One of us is always at home with him. And, whether it’s a direct result of being home with his parents or not, that little guy is amazingly smart. He has such an incredible vocabulary for a little boy his age. At just 20 months old, he’s already speaking in three-and-four-word sentences. He can count to four. (He doesn’t understand the concept of associating things with the numbers, but he has memorized the numbers.) He’s SO affectionate too. He’s always giving us (and all his toys) kisses and hugs. And now every morning when I pick him up from his crib, he brushes my hair out of my face and says “pretty mommy”. Again, I have no idea whether those things are a direct result of us being home with him instead of having him in daycare. But my husband keeps telling me they are, and I’m starting to believe him. 😉

I’ve also been thinking about how my miscarriage back in December of 2011 was a blessing in disguise too. As I’ve said, my son is just absolutely amazing. It is a privilege to be his mommy and watch him transform into the little individual he’s becoming. But, had my first pregnancy been viable, I would have had a different child. Different sperm + different egg = different baby. Now I’m not saying I would have loved that first baby any less. But it wouldn’t have been this child who has captured my heart. It wouldn’t have been Alexander – the amazing little man who fits perfectly into our family. I had to lose that baby to be able to get pregnant with my son. In the moment, and for a long time afterwards, it was absolutely heart-breaking. Losing a child is always hard. But, in retrospect, it happened for a reason. And that reason was Alexander.


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Whenever something unpleasant or tragic happens, there’s always that one thing that people say to try to make you feel better which only truly serves to make you feel even worse. When my mom died, it was “It’s God’s plan”. With the miscarriage, it’s “You’re only young”.

“You’re only young.”

Somehow my age is supposed to be adequate consolation for the loss of a child. Because, in spite of not having given birth and having a child to hold in your arms, a miscarriage is just that – the loss of a child. I understand the sentiment behind it – a reminder that I have plenty of healthy eggs and potential child-bearing years left, so this loss doesn’t mean motherhood won’t happen for me. But it doesn’t help. It just really doesn’t. And it infuriates me that reminding me that I’m young is supposed to negate my sense of loss.

I’m trying very hard not to be bitter. Really I am. It’s just not working all that well for me.

I see people all around me who don’t want children nearly as badly as I do, or who wouldn’t be able to provide nearly as good as life as myself and my husband could provide for a child. And these people just have to look at one another and get knocked up. They can eat poorly, not take prenatal vitamins, smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol – they still have healthy pregnancies. It just seems so unfair. I don’t want to resent those people around me who are getting pregnant and having babies. But I do. At least some of them. And I hate that I feel that way.


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Yesterday was one of the saddest days of my life.

We found out that I’m miscarrying. A couple of days ago, I had some light spotting. I went to the ER, and they referred me to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic. At the clinic yesterday we found out that my hormone levels had barely raised from my bloodwork three weeks prior. Two ultrasounds – one abdominal and one transvaginal – confirmed our worst fears. The pregnancy wasn’t viable, and my body was in the early stages of a miscarriage.

I still can’t really believe it…

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